February 2012
3 posts
Watch
Part 1: A Couch For Emily
The three couches in the dance area are in bad shape. So bad that I remember them and then don’t go to work. Words cannot properly express their condition. They need to be put out to pasture, relieved of their misery, returned from whence they came. They’re a forgotten box of baking soda in the back of the fridge and can’t absorb any more. They’re shell craters that suck wallets, keys and phones....
January 2012
4 posts
Fri, Sat, Thur
Friday night was so bad that a girl ran out the back door to avoid paying her stage fee. There was a blur of a person carrying a bag, and the sound of the bar on the door being slammed, and a gust of cold air. By the time she was already to her car, the short, round bouncer reached the door and started muttering instead of chasing after her into the night. I felt a twinge of jealousy.
But I’m sure...
Failed Tests and Shiny Spurs
I don’t really feel like blogging because this past week didn’t seem too extraordinary to me. I did see some Human Centipede action, set to the soundtrack of Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name.” According to the Wikipedia page for the song, it’s either about the Ku Klux Klan or the military.
I also witnessed a girl stick her index finger in a customer’s mouth during a dance and wiggle...
Expanding My Horizons
So, my old old club (the downhill, drowning, sinking into the ground one) is undergoing a regime change in a desperate attempt at resuscitation. I want to write more about it, but unfortunately I don’t feel like I have enough anonymity anymore to properly do so. I’m curious to see how it plays out and know where I’d place my bets. I will say that it’s funny to see a stock image of a blond white...
December 2011
3 posts
Patience is a Virtue
I flew home on Southwest on Christmas Eve. The stewardesses demonstrated the plane’s safety features in “The Night before Christmas” form (“The air masks were hung from the ceiling with care”) and were met with hearty applause from the other passengers. They probably would have received a standing ovation if the seatbelt sign weren’t on. I was wedged next to a grown woman and her mother. They were...
Handle With Care: A New Damn Update
I have one audition left and then I’m all done with the list of clubs I thought I wouldn’t hate too much. I feel like Goldilocks of the strip clubs. There’s the one that has a cheap stage fee and amazing food, but the music sucks and it’s just…boring. Then there’s the one with pretty okay music, a really cool stage, but it’s far away and the private dance area layout seems like it will only be a...
No Love Lost
I miss my old club, but it’s a seafood restaurant now, so what can you do. I thought the final week would be more fun than it was instead of just being depressing. I should have already been trying new clubs. It’s what I imagine it feels like when a couple has a trip planned and then they break up but decide not to waste a nonrefundable itinerary and then they use up all their vacation days for...
November 2011
3 posts
Feeding the multitude
I had my first experience with a strip club ministry recently. These extremely friendly ladies were in the dressing room giving out pink cupcakes and being vague. They were all, “It’s just really important to us that you enjoy these delicious free cupcakes. You’ll understand in due time.”
The old red-faced owner was also in the dressing room, extremely intoxicated with one stripper trapped under...
The Morning After Podcast | Tits and Sass →
October 2011
7 posts
7 tags
A Sixty-Something Persian Guy Peed On Me And All I...
I had an all-time first in my stripping career happen recently: a customer urinated on me. The manager missed it because he was in the hospital with a brown recluse bite.* When I told him that a guy peed on me during a dance, he stopped writing with the hand that wasn’t in a sling. He looked like he hadn’t slept all night before coming straight to the club from the ER. “He like, whipped his dick...
The Patron Saints of Celebration →
I’ve been enjoying this stripper/hairless cat/music/food/etc. blog for a while now.
September 2011
12 posts
Too Good To Be True: Grinding to a Halt
It actually sunk in that my club—the place where I’ve been making the best money in years—is closing when I received the following text. It was from a number that wasn’t saved in my contacts.
“Finally dove into the Mercury tabloids. [Brother 1] really did sell [club name] to [brother 2] who is turning it into a sports bar but there is no telling when and these sleezy club owners will not tell us...
Stripper Music Monday: Sarah Katherine Lewis’ Top... →
Top 10 Things I Love to Hate Right Now
Rocket made these fun lists recently on her blog, and I’ve been inspired to make my own list. If I had an all-time annoying things list, number one would definitely be guys pretending to misunderstand what I’m saying and asking if I want them to dance for me.
10. Customers who dance and sing along to every word…and do not tip. This happens a lot; wasted white girls doing that dance...
“The strippers would commiserate, pausing to breath through our mouths, all of us...”
– Smell Ya Later: Pheromone Perfume in the Strip Club | Tits and Sass
Thursday night
“So do you like big guys?”
“Um…” I had no idea where he was going with this.
“Big guys like me?” He considers himself “big”? Amazing! He is round, definitely, but hardly what I’d call big. Round and short like a ball, not big like a tree (that I’d like to climb). His body had always reminded me of Bob’s Big Boy. It didn’t help that he dresses like a five year-old; I had only ever seen him in...
Smell Ya Later: Pheromone Perfume in the Strip... →
Small world.
This morning I read in 9 1/2 Years Behind the Green Door about the time that the editor of Screw, Al Goldstein, asked the Mitchell brothers to throw him an orgy to celebrate his divorce. I just read an interview with Buck Henry where he was asked about attending that same orgy.
August 2011
9 posts
Pole Position: The Curiously Anti-Stripper Message... →
All I Wanna Do is Wannadance, or, Home is Where...
I’ve been making the most I’ve made in years. I feel much more hopeful for the future and like the world is maybe full of possibilities. But it feels fleeting and makes me nervous. I didn’t go to work last night and I realized there’s only one more Friday in August and then it’s September and then it’s fall. There are already orange orb spiders all over my yard. They know that they have to eat now...
I Went To An Actual Vag Pageant | Tits and Sass →
I guess it won’t hurt to share this again.
July 2011
7 posts
Today was not the first time I’ve cried alone to Amy Winehouse… and probably not the last.
MTV’s True Life Confirms that Sugarbabydom is a... →
WatchI think more people should follow @7ThaUnion on twitter.
June 2011
10 posts
Updates & Links
I have something on The Hairpin today about bachelor parties.
I’ve been sick a lot this year (a string of colds/flus, six since January to be exact) but am trying to blog more. I’m good about tweeting. (Too good, you might say.)
I no longer have a crush on K.Fed the DJ. He gave me a hug and his pecs hurt my boobs very badly. I don’t want to hug him ever again. I think I...
There but for the grace of God go I.
“Why is the air conditioner off?” I was being a jerk and asking a question that I already knew the answer to. It was hot as fuck and a heroin-addicted coworker, we’ll call her Belle, had turned it off for no apparent reason.
“I turned it off. It’s cold in here,” she whined. She was huddled on the counter, crouching barefoot in front of the mirror. She looked like Smeagol applying makeup.
“No, it...