When women who have never stripped a day in their lives audition for the first time, it’s never good. There are basically two kinds of first-time auditions, those who forgot to practice at all and those who are overly prepared. You can tell who just showed up without preparation and prayed that things would fall into place in front of an audience (what I did). You can tell the ones who have been practicing at home in front of the mirror for far too long. It’s the moment they’ve been waiting for, and they bust out with way too many moves at once, trying to get all their best material out too fast. It’s frenetic and scary, and just as bad as those who wait out the two songs by essentially doing nothing and hoping no one will notice. Watching new girls audition is sort of like being at an open mic with nudity. That’s like awkward times awkward times a million.
I got to witness an amazing audition the other day. Usually I don’t care to gawk at auditions. I walk a couple dollars up to the stage, yell out a supportive “woo!” at the end of each song and try not to look so I’m not another pair of eyes judging. It’s kind of like trying not to stare at your cat in the litter box. It’s the nice thing to do even if it’s really cute and funny. You know it’s embarrassing for your cat and watching is just adding more pressure and making everything take longer.
I hadn’t planned to pay attention to this particular audition because I was busy doing only thing that was bringing me joy at the moment, playing Word Dojo. Sitting next to me was another dancer who was really entranced by the audition so I turned my head to catch a glimpse and did a double take. I swiveled my chair, tore my hands away from the Megatouch machine and let the little spheres fill up to the top of the screen. I couldn’t stop watching. I had never seen a woman strip in so many layers of clothing.
You always hear the word “tantalizing” used to describe striptease and I was really tantalized. I had no idea what she was going to be wearing next and I was surprised each time she tore off a layer; it was wild stuff. She started off in a coat over a black cardigan and a wide swing skirt. Underneath the swing skirt was a petticoat, and underneath the petticoat was a pleated schoolgirl skirt. Underneath the cardigan was a thick long-sleeved fishnet top.
In addition to all the layers, she had covered all her accessory bases as well. What she lacked in experience, she made up for in decorations on her body. She had a very long black wig with a big fake flower, a scarf, lacey thigh-highs with a garter belt, suede boots, and some silver jewelry. She hit a little snag in her performance, literally, when she tried to pull the fishnet top over her head and her rings got caught on the fishnet and her wig was somehow stuck in the whole mess too.
She struggled with her arms over her head and the fishnet covering her face for some time and then finally broke free, managing to get her top off without taking her wig with it. Underneath her top was a bra. Underneath her skirt was a French-cut metal mesh g-string. Underneath her bra were sequined pasties. She turned out to have implants. At this point everyone in the room was watching, and everyone looked shocked, I think because we were half-expecting a few more articles of clothing and had forgotten about the naked part. In between shedding all these garments, she somehow managed to squeeze in four different yoga poses and some dancing for herself in the mirror. She also took her scarf and moved it back and forth like she was cleaning a bowling ball. That is, if her crotch were a bowling ball.
I couldn’t tell you for sure, because I was so petrified that I can’t actually remember my first audition (just the getting on and off stage parts), but I think this lady was still better than I was, even if she was carrying her entire wardrobe around on her person. Of course she was hired because she had a banging body, once we actually got to see it next to the small mountain of clothing, which is all that really matters. The two song auditions are basically just a formality, which is something that new dancers don’t know. It’s kind of a like a cruel joke, now that I think about it.